So What?

          This sucks, I just wrote like 4 paragraphs of my life the last week and I accidentally erased it.  Sorry I haven't wrote for two weeks.  I have been pretty busy with work, friends and family.  I went to my little brothers 20 birthday dinner on the 22nd.  It was fun.  On a sad note I started cutting again, (Sorry if you read this mom).  My thighs are looking pretty scared and cut up.  I didn't cut for 3 months.  The day I cut again was a day when I was worried about my dad, shit with friends weren't going good, work sucked, and I just felt like I was a failure.  So I decided to cut so I could get out of my head for a little.  I'd rather feel physical pain over mental pain.  I also like having control of when I cut.  I like seeing my blood, and I like scars.  There is quite a few on my thighs now.  Now I'm going to try my best to stop again cause I know I'm not the only one it's hurting and it's doing me no good in the long run.  Honestly besides all that shit, I'm doing pretty good.  Work is going good.  On the 29 I'll have 7 months sober.  That is a huge accomplishment for me.  I used all sorts of drugs but anything to make me hallucinate, I loved.  Mushrooms were my drug of choice.  I'm so confused sometimes about living life.  I had a friend attempt suicide last week.  It made me sad but he could relate to me and I know it helped him.  I'm glad I could finally help someone out with that part of life, ya know.  I want to start going to the gym again.  I'm loosing my strong figure.  But only time will tell where that goes.  My mind goes all over the place.  It races through different thoughts and feelings all day long.  I really enjoy sleeping, cause I'm away from it all.  Well everyone, I'm out for the night.  Hope to hear from one of you, if anyone even reads this far and if you did, thank you.  It means a lot to me knowing people are either relating or finding out something about mental illness.  I hope all you are doing well.  Have a great night or day, much love sent your way.