Bi-Polar this week

I go day by day wondering, what's next for Kenny.  Honestly I love my life, then other days I think about suicide so much.  It's weird.  I know I'm worthy of everything, yet other times I feel like I can't do anything except sit in my bed and do nothing.  I guess this is being bi-polar.  My week went slow cause I got all excited to have my car audio system hooked up in my car.  I got it done and it sounds so good!  I love it.  Then tonight I was rolling up my window and it shattered on me.  Blahhhhhh this sucks.  I just don't think it's fair sometimes.  Really I don't know what I'm going to do.  I just hope it gets fixed soon.  I'm ok right now.  Just bummed about my window.  Life has it's ups and downs and right now I'm living in both.  I met a really cool girl named Chelsea at the coffee shop.  She's a beautiful young lady.  I hope to hangout with her soon.  I had a dream about her kissing me, it was nice.  Why why why do I cry to my boss.  He's trying to get me back into the LDS church and it's really annoying.  Wants me to go on a mission and shit like that.  Fuck that, I've done way to much wrong in life to even be worthy of going on a mission, even if I was interested.  Well I feel like writing another poem so I'm peacin out.  Have a great day or night, if you read this all, thank you.

So What?

          This sucks, I just wrote like 4 paragraphs of my life the last week and I accidentally erased it.  Sorry I haven't wrote for two weeks.  I have been pretty busy with work, friends and family.  I went to my little brothers 20 birthday dinner on the 22nd.  It was fun.  On a sad note I started cutting again, (Sorry if you read this mom).  My thighs are looking pretty scared and cut up.  I didn't cut for 3 months.  The day I cut again was a day when I was worried about my dad, shit with friends weren't going good, work sucked, and I just felt like I was a failure.  So I decided to cut so I could get out of my head for a little.  I'd rather feel physical pain over mental pain.  I also like having control of when I cut.  I like seeing my blood, and I like scars.  There is quite a few on my thighs now.  Now I'm going to try my best to stop again cause I know I'm not the only one it's hurting and it's doing me no good in the long run.  Honestly besides all that shit, I'm doing pretty good.  Work is going good.  On the 29 I'll have 7 months sober.  That is a huge accomplishment for me.  I used all sorts of drugs but anything to make me hallucinate, I loved.  Mushrooms were my drug of choice.  I'm so confused sometimes about living life.  I had a friend attempt suicide last week.  It made me sad but he could relate to me and I know it helped him.  I'm glad I could finally help someone out with that part of life, ya know.  I want to start going to the gym again.  I'm loosing my strong figure.  But only time will tell where that goes.  My mind goes all over the place.  It races through different thoughts and feelings all day long.  I really enjoy sleeping, cause I'm away from it all.  Well everyone, I'm out for the night.  Hope to hear from one of you, if anyone even reads this far and if you did, thank you.  It means a lot to me knowing people are either relating or finding out something about mental illness.  I hope all you are doing well.  Have a great night or day, much love sent your way.

A LITTLE ABOUT ME.....

      Hello, my name is Kenny.  I have another blog for my poetry, but decided to have one to write about my life cause I have nothing else better to do at 2 in the morning.  If you want to, you should check out my poetry.  It explains me a lot.

     To start off, I have been diagnosed with bi-polar, depression, and schizo-effective disorder.  I was diagnosed at the age of 17.  When I found this out, it made me feel even more depressed.  I felt even more alone and weird than I was already feeling at that age.  Over the years I've learned how to deal with it a little better than I use to.  But I'm still no expert at it.

     I'm the middle child of a loving family.  Two brothers and two sisters who are very dear to me.  Then my ma and pa.  My family means so much to me, even though I don't act like it sometimes.  

     Hmmmm, when I was 19 I attempted suicide.  I have a poem that explains that to a T.  This has effected my life so much.  Everyday I look at my scars from that attempt and get all sorts of different thoughts through my insane brain.  

     I'm now 21.  I have been sober for 6 months.  I live at home, but I've lived on my own for a while too.  I'm working right now.  My boss is an amazing man who took me under his wing and held on to me during the hard times that I've gone through.

     Ya well, I just felt like writing something else besides a poem, so there it is.  I'll keep anyone who reads updated on what's going on.  My poems also help with that too.  Have a great day to whoever reads. :)