MY GREAT STORY

10/22/08= Tangled Up In Blue

         Half of a family size bottle of Tylenol, next, two prescriptions of Trazedone.  Listening to Bob Dylan's song "Tangled Up In Blue."  It was stuck in my head.  I just kept listening, getting sadder every time I listened to it.  I've gone this far, I think it's time to finish it.  I turned on the shower, grabbed my razors, and went at it.  Four main cuts on my left wrist with tons of other little cuts each way.  I thought I was done cutting but I changed my mind.  I did one more cut inside another big cut.  Ok, now I was bleeding a lot.  I was in that shower for AN HOUR AND A HALF!  Why am I still here?  Here's the rest of my great story.
The hour and a half that I was in that shower dying, I'll never be able to explain to it's fullest extent.  This writing is the closet I'll be able to tell you what happened that day.  To begin, the first thing I experienced was a lose of balance.  The more time that passed, the less I could control my body.  Eventually my heart beat skipped. I saw double and triple.  I'd close my eyes but nothing changed.  Soon I had to sit down because I'd lost all my balance.  Trying to stand up I would fall right down to my ass.  My knees and back shaking terribly like the shakes you get when you're freezing cold.  I knew I was dying.  I could feel Satan there, waiting by my side, making me smile and laugh.  I was on my way to the other side.
Still just sitting in the shower, huddled up in a ball.  I wish I could remember everything that went on in my head while I was in the shower.  What I did know is that I wanted to die and I hated my life.  Soon, I couldn't take it anymore, the shower was freezing.  I had used up all the hot water.  So I turned the shower off and got out.  This is where everything went wrong.  My body wasn't right.  I had no balance, and I couldn't see straight.  So I stumbled out of the shower and grabbed a towel.  I lost all my balance and started to fall everywhere.  I put my arm out to catch myself.  I used the arm that I cut to help me stay up.  When I looked at the counter there was a bunch of blood.  I used the towel to clean it up.  SHIT, I lost my balance again, again, and again.  Each time getting the bathroom bloodier.  It wasn't just the blood though, I was knocking everything over in the bathroom.  Soon, the bathroom was all bloody, it was a total mess.  This was literally Hell on earth, at least to me.
BANG!  BANG!  BANG!   On the bathroom door!  "What the fuck's going on in there bro? You've been in there forever!"  It was my friend Josh.  "Open the door or I'm breaking it down, you know I can."  I stumbled over to the door, it took me 30 seconds to unlock that impossible knob.  I opened the door a little, then Josh punched me.  He thought I'd relapsed because my eyes were bloodshot.  The the door opened more.  Josh sees all the blood.  "What the fuck dude, where is all that blood coming from?"  I showed him my wrist and he asked me why I had done it but I had lost so much blood I couldn't speak.  I was very, very, close to dying.
So Josh went into survival mode to make sure his best boy lived.  I was naked and couldn't walk.  Josh threw me some underwear but I couldn't put them on.  So Josh wrapped one of my blankets around me.  He carried me down three flights of stairs.  He put me in my car and started to rush to the hospital.  I was freezing and wanted to be warm so I turned on the heat.  Josh turned it off and turned on the AC.  He told me that the cold would slow down my blood flow.  That might have been the only thing that saved me from dying before I got to the hospital.  Josh was yelling, screaming, punching and doing everything he could to keep me awake and have my eyes open.
We pulled up to the hospital.Josh jumped out of the car, ran and grabbed a wheelchair for me.  He rushed me into the hospital and started screaming as loud as he could.  Instantly all eyes were on me.  With a snap of a finger the doctors had me in a room.  A girl started stiching me up, then the doctors started asking me questions, but I still couldn't talk.  They were going to pump my stomach but it had been too long since I took all the pills.  The saddest memory I'll have forever is while I was being worked on.  I was looking at the door and who turns the corner, my mom!  She saw me, fell to her knees, and started crying.  Her baby boy might die.  Then the doctor said to me, "You can close your eyes now."  Finally, I could close my eyes.  I was saved.
I woke up the next day with family and friends standing by my side.  Seeing all of these people that were in the room that day, changed my life.  I realized how important my family is to me, and that I was loved.  Later, I was joined by my friends and family.  They were all by my side the whole time I was in the hospital.  I'm very grateful for waking up to them.  It made me realize my family and real friends always have my back and that I have theirs too.  As for my friend Josh, I pretty much owe him my life.  I would be dead if it weren't for him acting so fast and wanted me to live.  I'm forever grateful.  So Josh, if you read this, thank you.
My suicide attempt has totally changed my life.  My whole perspective has changed on what is and isn't important.  I try to be a lot more grateful too.  Life can change in one second, believe me.  I still have my ups and downs that I deal with on a daily basis, but I need to remember I'm not the only one that goes through hard times.  Life is a roller coaster, so I'm just going to sit down and enjoy as much of the ride as I can.  Thank you for those who read my story.  It means a great deal to me.  Much love sent your way.  I hope my story might have somewhat inspired you.  :)

Hi guys.  Life's been really hard lately.  I lost my job.  I couldn't handle being treated like shit anymore.  My supervisor is really negative towards me.  So I walked out.  It probably wasn't the best choice but, I'm happier without that job.  I'm meeting up with a job coach soon.  He'll help me find a job that I will like and be good at.  I'm getting along with my family right now, which is a really good thing.  Now that I'm writing about my life, I'm realizing shit has been pretty good actually.  Well, I need some rest and sleep.  Write again soon, thanks.

Doin Good

      So guys, whoever reads, I've been doing good, which is really good.  With having bi-polar I go through so many ups and downs.  Whether it be hourly, daily, weekly, or monthly.  The last few weeks have been good.  It was really good, on Saturday I went snowboarding and played basketball after with some good, old friends.  My meds help me stay stable.  If I don't take them for a day or two, I go through withdrawals, which sucks way bad.  Once I was off them completely and it was terrible.  I did it for a girl who was 30 and I was 19.  She took advantage of me and made me do a lot of stuff I didn't want to do.  I ended up lending her money and she said she would repay me but never did.  This made me really angry towards her.  I went into a lot of debt because I spent a lot of money on her and her clothes.  I would buy her jeans that were 300 dollars, 500 dollar purses, etc...  Well guys I just wanted to let you know I'm doing very well.  Hope you're all doing well too. :)

Getting Better

Well you guys who read this, I've been doing better.  I almost lost my job because my supervisor and I don't get along so well.  We got in an argument and had to go talk to the boss.  I left early that day saying that I wouldn't work with my supervisor anymore.  My boss called me later and said, I don't have another job for you so you just need to get along with your supervisor.  So, I came in this week and my supervisor has been treating me well.  He's actually giving me compliments on my work.  It's nice to get compliments every once in awhile.  My sobriety has been going well.  I've been sober for almost 8 months.  With this bull shit court stuff for me getting a DUI is lame.  I was high or drunk.  So we're going to fight it.  I think we'll win.  I wrote down my goals in life, that made me happy.  I like looking at my goals so on the day I can work towards my goals.  I have a way good friend I get to talk to, I tell him everything.  It feels good to have someone know everything good and bad about me.  St. Patties day was a hard day.  I was around a bunch of drunks and alcohol.  I was tempted to drink but I didn't.  So guys, I'm doing good.  If you care, then thank you, and have a great day, I'll have one too.

I'm Confused

I'm kind of an idiot.  Over this weekend I showed like 7 people the cuts on my legs and they're really bad.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I just attract negative attention towards myself.  It's not good.  I've been having a hard time.  I have to sell my car that I just got a month ago, because of all this jail shit and my family isn't in a good money spot right now.  I just got my stereo system put in, and was so happy.  Now it's all gone.  I'm really depressed right now.  I got in a fight with my supervisor at work and almost got fired.  I'm lucky to have a boss that understands my situation in life.  If he didn't, I wouldn't have a job.  I'm really grateful for my friend Alex.  He picks me up wherever I am and we go do fun things.  We get coffee a lot.  I keep thinking I can't handle anymore of the bull shit and that I want to give up.  It just doesn't seem worth it.  I kind of want to die.  See what's on the other side.  But I'll keep pushing forward and do my best at this game called life.  If anyone reads and relates, that's my goal.  To have people relate and know they're not alone.  So, I'll write you guys soon, if anyone reads.  Hope you're doing well.  Have a good day.

Jail Time

So you guys who read,  I have had a hard week.  Work wasn't good.  I got sent to jail because, I ran a red light, I was driving on a suspended license that I didn't know about, and supposedly didn't pass the sobriety test, even though I was sober.  I was tired though.  They said they didn't believe me that I was sober but I was.  I had to sit in jail on a concrete bench for 12 hours.  It really sucked.  Then my parents bailed me out, once again.  When I was in there I met a way hot stripper.  We talked a lot.  So it wasn't too bad in there, it just sucked cause they wouldn't let you put your feet up or lie down to get some kind of comfort.  You just had to sit up and it wasn't fun.  I walked home from jail.  It's only 3 miles.  But the next day I fucked up with some stuff.  

I've been getting coffee a lot down at Coffee Break downtown.  I meet a lot of cool people there.  It's been good down there.  I like spending time there writing and drinking coffee.  I met some cool girls tonight, they're beautiful too.  Then we went back to their house and had crazy sex.  Ha ha not really, we played guitar hero.  So things have been good and bad.  I just need to look at the positives.

Who The Fuck Even Cares?

I don't know who reads this, but I must sound like a self-pity fool.  I'm sick of it.  All I do half of the time is be depressed.  I feel like no one in my life understands.  I feel like I'm a negative part of others lives.  Well, I don't know what to do.  I want to cut, but I haven't for a week and a half and I know it wouldn't do me any good.  Fuck...  What should I do.  I don't know weather to just isolate in my room or just keep being a negative influence on peoples lives.  I hope someone will write something.  I'm hurting right now and need some advice on what I should do.  I don't want to work.  My supervisor is so negative and it ruins my day.  I want to quit work.  Do any of you who read this even fucking care?  Or do you get some kind of joy out of reading about so depressed fucking idiot?  Whatever, I just don't know.  Why the fuck was I born with this stupid fucking illness?  All it does is make me think of suicide everyday, which sucks.  Well have a great day, my prayers go out to you.